On a day that I feel the weight of life's anxious unrest, the reality of the artist's struggle, and the longing for things I can't have, I find myself caught in a place between life at home with three kids, and my swimming head.
If I were a boat on the sea, the water today would be black, with storm clouds above, and choppy waves pushing at me from all sides. What is this thing that I'm doing? What is my role here? What part do I play? And do I have it in me to play it?
Most days I would say yes. Yes, I know what I'm doing. I am determined. Yes, I have it in me, hard as it is. But today, while the rain pours down outside my window and my heart aches, I don't feel so sure. I go from writing these words to buttoning up a size 5 dress, to trying to recollect what I was feeling, to breaking up a fight between two daughters. Do I have it in me? I go from appointment to grocery store to delivering posters for an upcoming gig. I long for a quiet time with my guitar, or even just with my mind, to think, process, hide, overcome.
Through wet eyes I drive and the rain runs down the windows. I stay my course, as I know I will and must. In spite of today's struggle, and the struggle that comes with being obedient to my choices, through my passionate need for creating and all my fears of failure, through my insecurities and tense shoulders and weak knees, I will fight back and keep on doing this thing. I'll remain determined. I'll talk myself down and find that Deep Love in my core, and I'll breathe.
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