Our office is pretty much set up. So is the rest of the house. Sure, there are bits and pieces that still feel kind of unsettled, but for the most part, our house is as it will be for a long time.
The office is full of white desk space, mason jars of pencils, markers, scissors, pencil crayons. The computer sits boldly on the desktop. The files that we had stuffed for years into an old decrepit filing cabinet have been sorted and placed into a new, fully functional one. The closet is full of homeschool resources, craft supplies, instruments, cleaning supplies, batteries, cables and cords. The piano sits happily against one wall. Chalkboards line the desktop, awaiting each weekday morning's plan scribbled in fancy writing. Alphabet banners line the wall up high.
It looks pretty good. It looks like a nice home. It feels set up and pretty and nearly complete. But it has yet to feel like HOME.
I had a bit of a cry today. (Okay, there may have been some big ugly sobs in there.) I was feeling lost and disoriented. I miss our friends from our little city by the sea. I miss our church community, which we are still a part of but which feels much further away now. I miss the ocean. I miss our dear ex-next door neighbours. I miss our street. Our house. Our clerk at the grocery store. Our mail carrier. I miss the streets that were so familiar. I miss the farms we often visited with people we love living on them. I miss spending time chatting, picking up milk and cheese, spontaneously having tea, seeing the girls poke at the chickens, keep their distance from the cows, and wander through the orchard. I miss often staying longer than we intended. I miss the feeling of HOME.
I guess this is to be expected. A change so big as a move had to have a big impact. I suppose it's okay that it will take time to adjust to this new city.
I was babbling to God at one point in my breakdown and had to say out loud some of the positives of this place. Here they are, in no particular order.
- This co-housing community and all the people here. They are really great. I mean it. Good people. Fun and loving and totally weird. Just like us.
- The beautiful natural beauty that is practically outside our door. We could bike to the forest. We can hop in the van and drive for 3 minutes and reach the river. Loads of parkland that has trails and beautiful scenery.
- The proximity to my sister and her family, who we love and get to see so much more often now.
- The central-seeming location we are in now. Previously it took us an hour to get into the main city. Now it's 1/2 an hour. That includes Ryan's commute. Excellent.
See? Looking at the positives helps! I am feeling better already!
Okay, so the reality is that this is very up and down. I have all but lost sight of why the hell we did this. And then Ryan reminds me that he wants us to have our values displayed visually in the house and I thank God again for how there seems to be an ebb and flow to our ups and downs, and how when I'm down, Ryan seems to be up, and when Ryan's down, I seem to be up. Merciful.
And this is today. I am tempted to go out and mingle with some of our new people right now, but I think I'll get back to what I was setting out to do when I sat down here. STUDY. Bring it on.
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